Exactly 0 days gone without angst
by guineapig673
Summary: You can't expect a picture-perfect relationship when you're all emotionally constipated sadsacks, can you? Spoiler: The answer is no. [MILD NSFW WARNING - nothing graphic actually happens in-text; it's likely that I wouldn't be posting it here if it did, but readers beware all the same.]


He came in like something was chasing him, nearly losing his balance as he staggered over to Bearclaw. Duncan ungracefully pinned the smaller tomcat against the closest available hard surface, averting his eyes as he spoke. "You, uhh, mind turning over?" His voice was oddly hesitant, and there was some emotion that Bearclaw couldn't quite make out present in his tone.

The bracken-colored tom obeyed, and promptly got into a more favorable position. Bearclaw raised a brow, concern flooding his features. "Is something wrong? You don't usually sound so...well, like **that** , to put things bluntly." Bearclaw would admit that he didn't have a photographic memory, but he was usually pretty good about not forgetting things. Plus, Duncan had sounded fairly nonchalant the last time they'd discussed something serious and potentially damaging (though admittedly that had been a while ago by this point), as flippant as he always was. Not that Bearclaw felt great about subconsciously using him to begin with, but Duncan really hadn't seemed affected by the other's decisions in any way, just uttered a few vague comments and left it at that. Still, though, Bearclaw may have been slow to grasp concepts on rare occasions, but he certainly hadn't been born holding the idiot ball. Something was up, and he'd try to approach the subject as gently as possible...at the very least, to start off.

"Nope," was all that Duncan said in response, though the word was more of a low growl than anything else. And so, he continued with a fairly awkward session of foreplay, nipping the other tom gently from time to time.

Hot breath battered Bearclaw's scruff, and there was a quiet sigh from his faux tortoiseshell-pelted partner. "Wait," Bearclaw muttered after a long while of awkward silence. Upon realizing that Duncan probably hadn't heard (or wasn't listening, that was more likely), he raised his voice pointedly. "Duncan. **_Stop_**. Evidently, we should talk." Bearclaw cleared his throat, motioning for the other cat to disengage.

And disengage he did, hobbling off awkwardly to the side and plopping down on the ground with all the grace of a falling tree. Duncan didn't speak, just clenched his jaw and glared wearily at Bearclaw, his pale eyes smoldering.

"It's not hard to guess something's bothering you. Mind divulging?" Bearclaw tilted his head to one side and sat, slim tail curling around his paws. "I'm patient, remember. Even if takes until all the cats in StarClan fade away, I can wait."

Duncan scowled for a while longer, swallowed thickly, then spoke. "I think you know damn well what the problem is," he said simply. "And I honestly don't think we can keep doing this shit." Truthfully, he'd been more than kind of ignoring the both of them recently, but only because they'd been ignoring him first. For well over half a year, last he'd bothered to check. "'Least, not with the way things have been going." This was punctuated with a wry chuckle.

It didn't take long for Bearclaw to put two and two together. "It's not like I'm attempting to screw you over any longer, be it unintentional or not. My apology was sincere; on some level, I did not mean this. Besides, you sounded fine with the situation the last time we truly spoke. Why act out now instead of earlier?" The bracken-colored cat's breath caught in his throat. "And I've been trying, I swear. Or at the very least I've been planning to, I just haven't found the time recently."

Duncan let out a loud snort at Bearclaw's reply, rolling his eyes. "I told you, I don't give a fuck about that. I'll live. I've done so for over 15 damn years so far. Still talking about Hawktalon here, or did you forget?" His lip curled in disgust. "Getting real tired of pulling myself every which way, shutting parts of my fucking brain off just so I can be with you, with **them**. I worded that wrong, but. I keep stepping back, detaching myself from all this bullshit only to get thrown back into the midst of it at full force again...Feels like cheating, in a way. And I'm all too familiar with that feeling. No wonder I never stay anything resembling remotely sober for long, mmm? Not that it makes much of a difference anymore. Anyways. I'll admit to not caring enough to find out what exactly it is that you did beyond the very basics, but. Fucking **apologize** , damn it. It got stale a while back, and here I thought you weren't childish."

"I'm not the only one at fault here," he protested. "They could have done something to help me, but they didn't. I didn't ask to be a single parent when I was barely out of the nursery to begin with, and I didn't ask for my sibling to be stubborn and disown me for completely idiotic reasons." The fur along Bearclaw's spine bristled. "I didn't ask for my family members not to help, and I certainly didn't want Tawnystar to lose her last life saving me. It's in the past now, it's not like I can change previous events. If anything, they were the one who was acting like a child; granted, we **were** children way back when, but not anymore. I would have thought they'd be mature enough to let things go. And, for the time being, looks like it's this or nothing. Take nothing, if you must. I think you need a break, and I don't see this feud ending anytime soon."

"Hell, d'ya think I don't regret not being there for my own kids in some manner? I get it, you can't change the past. But you can prevent shit from happening in the future. You get the fuck over it and move on. No use in being fully stuck in the past, it's just a waste of time in the end." Duncan growled low in his throat, his curled ears now flattened against his skull in anger. "I imagine you could very well view this situation as the pot calling the kettle black in a sense given my own numerous issues, but who the fuck cares at this point." At the mention of his relationship status, his hooded eyes darkened. "Maybe I will. Leave you two to set things ablaze while I'm gone, heh."

"I'll have to admit that I wonder sometimes, given how little you interact with some of them." Bearclaw retorted. "I don't think that everyone can just get over the only living member of your family's disowning you that easily. Maybe you could with Plovertail, but Hawktalon and I were once close. I don't think there's any repairing that bond. And, fine. Go, run away. My sibling saw something worth redeeming in you, but I have to say that I have trouble doing the same at times."

"In retrospect, I can see why we bonded," he chuckled darkly. "And, well, **boned**. Beneath the friendly, nice-guy demeanor, you're just as cheap and low-brow as me. Hawk's the same, though they'd never admit it out loud, and I'm personally not all that fond of admitting that people I like have flaws, either. We're all terrible fucking people, just trying to cover up our numerous screw-ups in various ways. I won't deny I hold 'em on a pedestal higher than my own. I won't deny that at first glance, you seem like you can do no wrong. I won't deny that I pretty much deserve nothing after all this time. But at least I'm honest. I tell people if they've pissed me off, at least eventually. Better than **your** track record, Bear. I see we've resorted to stating obvious information now? Fine by me. I'm a horrible father figure, have serious issues with emotional intimacy, rarely take anything seriously, and half the time I genuinely consider mutilating my own genitalia, not that it'll end any of this shit. Most of **your** family is dead, most of **my** family is dead, we're downright miserable fucks together and one of us constantly smells like semen and a general hatred of and for the concept of existence. And apparently, I only just shacked up with you 'cause I craved a good pounding." Duncan grinned, winking as he spoke. "Need I go on, or is that good?" The wildcat mix cooed sickeningly, leering at the other tomcat.

There were certainly ways in which the two were similar, and it made Bearclaw deeply uncomfortable. "We are alike in a manner, but we are not the same." Certainly, there was some truth to that statement. "There's no point in trying to bring me down to that level. And, I believe you missed the part about you being so afraid to freely admit your sexuality that you'd maul a man, despite the fact that no one holds a negative opinion on you for that reason in the least."

"You **could** just say 'my level' instead of being vague. No need to pretend to be dignified, and there's no need to pretend to hold a favorable opinion of me just because I saved my own partner's ass way back when. Neutrality ain't the same as truly caring for somebody, nor is it really the same as caring for somebody because you feel like you're obligated to for some damn reason." Duncan let out a barking laugh. "Coulda gone your entire life without trying to get to know me personally. Too late for that now, though. Dug yourself into a hole in that respect." At Bearclaw's next comment, he let out a dismissive grunt. "...Nailed that on the head," he muttered, his tone cautious.

The Persian mix bristled, but at the very least attempted to remain calm. "I care for you the same as I care for all the members of this Clan, if not more. You are family, although not by blood. There are rules that come with that." Bearclaw stifled a sigh. "I will admit that I am grateful to you for having found Hawktalon, having been there for them when what was left of their blood relations could not; I've stated that before, Duncan. You know that, I trust. If anything, I'd say that we've formed an oft-uneasy friendship over the years, not that either of us have been willing to admit that in exact words until this conversation. Much more than simple friendship in your case," he said, then hesitated. "In my own case, it's also more than that. It's been years since I've felt emotions like this. And I think that by now the both of us know we'd throw ourselves in harm's way to protect each other in an instant. That's one thing."

The massive tomcat shifted his weight uncomfortably, eyes narrowing. "I swear, everyone in this family eats, breathes, and shits eloquence what with they way they all talk," he muttered under his breath. "Then again, that's to be expected considering RiverClan. Fancy name or not. Poets, the lot of you. And, doesn't take a genius to put two and two together, Bear. While we're here, I might as well acknowledge that. Though even I don't entirely know what the fuck we are-" Duncan paused momentarily in his speech as he rolled over onto his back, swallowing thickly. He shuddered and groaned loudly, arousal now fully exposed to the cool air. "You sure as hell don't, either, but. 'Soulmates' wouldn't be the right word here. Nah, that's more of a thing Princess and I have. Lovers, sure, that's...obvious, kind of. Eugh. If you really want to be sappy here, then I'd guess we're lovers." The moggy grimaced, waving a slender forepaw around as he spoke. "Well. We're something, at least. Would I have expected to be fucking my crush's brother 13 years ago? Give or take a few, that is. Anyways, the answer's a resounding 'No.' And the answer'll always be no. Sure, I thought you had a nice ass, like how I think numerous other people have nice asses, but I was too busy with other shit at the time." Duncan wrinkled his muzzle. "We're something. We've got something here. And...I can't say I'm entirely regretting it. I'm fairly conflicted, sure. I'm tired as hell, and more than a little pissed off at everybody in this situation right now, sure. But I'm not exactly regretting this decision, overall. Wonder what that says about me?"

At Duncan's next words, he raised a brow. "I never thought that I would hear you call **anyone** your lover, let alone me. It just feels too old-fashioned of a word for your vocabulary," he stated, suppressing a weary chuckle. "And I'd offer to help, but we both served to kill the mood here. It would be wholly inappropriate conduct." Bearclaw cleared his throat awkwardly, ears flattening. "You're right, though. We've all made serious mistakes in our lives. And only we can fix them. So, I suppose that sooner or later I'll have to confront Hawktalon...as much as I dread doing that." My, that was a lot of emotions to run through in such a short amount of time. He felt drained all of a sudden.

"Yeah, well." Duncan huffed and fluffed up his fur, looking none too thrilled. "...Took a lot of effort on my part. Don't expect me to say it again," he growled, scowling as he spoke. "And no shit, the mood's gone. Doesn't take a genius to tell anyone **that** , either." Duncan didn't speak for a while after that, just gazed aimlessly into space, avoiding glancing in the direction of Bearclaw's face. "So, let's not and say we didn't. Think it's best we both split for now, take some time to think about things. And I mean that-" he broke off mid-sentence to shoot a pointed glare at the other tom. "Really do." With a significant amount of effort, he braced himself and got to his feet, and began limping back the way he'd originally come from.

Bearclaw waited a few moments until he could definitively make sure that Duncan had gone, then headed off himself; in the opposite direction. He had some things to ruminate on, certainly.


End file.
